Addiction doesn’t only affect the person with a substance use disorder; it affects everyone around them, especially the ones who love them most. If you are the wife, husband, or partner of a person struggling with an addiction disorder, finding the pathway to recovery can seem like the most difficult journey of your lifetime.
Helping a person with a substance or alcohol use disorder means assisting them in finding the best options to take their first step toward sobriety.
The CDC reports that drug overdose deaths are down in the U.S. While that news provides hope in the fight against addiction, it only tells part of the story. Approximately half of people over 12 have experimented with illicit drugs, and over 25% of that group has a drug disorder. Opioid use disorders account for nearly 25% of all substance use disorders.
Understanding the statistics on addiction and drug use may help you convince your loved one to accept the support they need.
Talking to Your Partner About Addiction
Offering someone unconditional love and support while asking them to change their behavior is challenging. Before starting a conversation, remember that your spouse is probably already aware they have an addiction issue. They know they have let you down. Reminding them of their flaws and broken promises may end up alienating them further or invoking defensive behavior.
Feeling insulted and belittled can be a barrier to accepting help. Instead, speak to your spouse with kindness. Ask them about their thoughts on their substance use. This may help them reach self-realization about their addiction. Remind them they are loved and that you believe in their ability to change.
It’s okay to disagree with their choices and protect your own boundaries. Building bridges doesn’t mean you are “giving in,” but a bridge can show your loved one there’s a way out of addiction.
Are You Enabling Addiction?
When your loved one has a substance use disorder, words like “enabling” and “boundaries” come up often; however, it’s not always clear what those words mean or how they apply to your situation.
Some examples of enabling include:
- Calling in sick to work for them when they are too high or hungover to meet their responsibilities
- Bailing them out of jail or paying other legal fines and fees
- Giving them money to buy drugs or alcohol
- Driving them to the liquor store or somewhere to purchase drugs
- Letting them live in your home rent-free or paying for other lodging
- Covering their daily expenses while they spend money on substances
- Making excuses for their behavior, such as “her father was too hard on her”
- Denying that the problem is serious
- Putting your own needs on hold to care for the addicted person
It’s understandable that a spouse wants to help the person they love. Enabling can feel like love, but it’s not. Often, enabling is an attempt to control the situation. Calling in sick for a spouse may prevent them from losing their job. Allowing a loved one to use drugs in your home is a way to control their movements and keep them out of harm’s way.
It may be well-intended, but enabling dangerous behaviors to continue prevents the addicted person from experiencing the consequences of their actions. Consequences can lead to a change in behavior.
Do’s And Don’ts Of Properly Helping Your Loved One
Addiction is a complicated issue, but recovery doesn’t have to be. A simple list of do’s and don’ts may help you deal with your spouse or partner more effectively.
Do’s
Do ask for help. Reach out to trusted friends and family members, and be honest about your situation. Speak with your doctor or a therapist and get the support you need to remain emotionally healthy.
Do learn about your spouse’s addiction. Addiction disorders are mental health concerns and are not a result of personal weakness. Addiction is often a result of trauma. It is not a reflection of your partner’s love for you. Consider attending an Al-Anon or CoDa support group meeting to learn more.
Do take care of yourself. Being married to someone with a substance use disorder can be exhausting on every level. Your physical and mental health are a priority. Protecting yourself, your home, and your finances is not a sign of selfishness; it shows maturity and love for your spouse. You cannot help someone else if you become sick, emotionally exhausted, or destitute.
Do show support by creating and keeping healthy boundaries. For example, insist that your spouse attends a treatment center, goes to 12-step meetings, or explores alternatives to 12-step programs. Let them know you will no longer allow them to live with you or that you will no longer support them financially if they refuse to seek help.
Don’ts
Don’t make excuses for physical or emotional abuse of yourself, your children, or your pets. Any violent or abusive behavior is unacceptable regardless of a person’s sobriety. Call the police if necessary and find a safe place to stay.
Don’t allow drug or alcohol use at home. Openly using substances around children is never acceptable, and no partner or roommate should have to be exposed to that behavior either.
Don’t lie for your spouse or cover up their addiction. Hiding your spouse’s problem won’t help them and can make things worse.
When To Seek An Intervention?
Interventions are usually organized by a mental health professional who is trained in helping people with substance use issues. Families often decide it’s time for an intervention when all other efforts to help have been exhausted or when they fear their loved one’s life is in immediate danger.
The goal of an intervention is to get the individual to accept treatment immediately. Admittance to a treatment program, travel accommodations, and other details are planned in advance so the person can leave the intervention and go directly to a treatment program.
Consider speaking with an interventionist if:
- Lying and other manipulative behaviors are increasing rapidly
- Alcohol or substance use is out of control
- Your partner is taking more dangerous risks related to drug use
- Your partner’s mental or physical health is deteriorating
- Your partner’s behavior has become dangerous
Interventions require cooperation and organization from the addict’s loved ones. Family members may be too emotionally involved to organize an intervention without the help of a professional.
Please call us to see what sort of options Trinity River Recovery can provide in utilizing one of our experts for an intervention.
Addiction Treatment Options to Consider
Entering a residential program is often the first thing people think of when they hear about treatment. While residential programs are often recommended, they aren’t the only option for recovery.
Detox Centers
Detoxing from alcohol or drugs can be physically and emotionally painful. Detox centers provide personalized detox plans with medically supervised care to keep patients as safe and comfortable as possible. Detoxing is the first step in recovery and is about more than physical withdrawal.
The psychological effects of detoxing can be intense. Having a supportive, experienced therapist to assist the process helps alleviate some of the anxieties related to treatment.
Partial Hospitalization Programs
Partial hospitalization programs, or PHPs, are less intensive than residential programs but more intensive than standard outpatient programs. PHPs may be recommended for people who need medical care, accountability, and structured therapy for many hours a week
Outpatient Programs
Outpatient centers provide many of the same evidence-based treatments and therapies as residential programs but in a more flexible format. They are often considered a step down from residential programs. Receiving outpatient services allows patients to live at home, work, and meet other responsibilities while getting the recovery help they need.
Intensive Outpatient Programs
Intensive outpatient programs can provide a broader depth of support than a traditional outpatient program while still allowing individuals to live at home or in a sober living environment.
Aftercare Programs
Aftercare programs are for people who have completed a treatment program and want continued support as they learn to apply their new skills in real life. Treatment may only last for 30, 60, or 90 days, but recovery is a lifelong journey.
Participating in an aftercare program can significantly increase a person’s chances of maintaining their sobriety. Aftercare may include sober events, connecting with peer groups, and individualized plans for relapse prevention.
Life After Treatment: Staying Positive
Managing expectations may be one of the most productive things a spouse can do after their partner has completed treatment. Recovery is a work in progress, and no one changes overnight. Attending couples or family therapy together will help you both learn to navigate the new normal and improve your communication skills.
Self-care is essential for people in recovery, and it is also essential for partners who are healing from the experience of watching their loved one struggle. Consider creating a relapse prevention plan with your partner as a method of self-care. What should you do if you suspect they will relapse? Talk about your concerns honestly.
Removing triggers from your household is also a positive step. It may not always be necessary, but preventing alcohol or “social” drugs like marijuana from entering your home will help protect your partner, especially during the early days of recovery.
Lastly, stay connected. Attend support meetings for spouses and participate in sober gatherings on holidays or other special occasions. Being active in your local recovery network will not only help your spouse, but it can also help you and your children see that life after addiction can be better than you ever expected.
